Loved by You

October 3

Friday night, after supper, I walked outside to sit on the sidewalk.

It has been a week.

Since Dani has been in the kitchen all week, I have been dealing a lot more with the boys. I’ve been giving more worships, bandaging more wounds, and, well, dealing out more punishments.

It has been exhausting. Keeping up with eight little boys can just be a whole lot of work. And go ahead and throw in a total language barrier.

I’m trying so hard to follow through and to be fair and keep my word but goodness. It can be so hard when it is just so much easier to let things go.

Sometimes it just leaves me wondering am I doing this right? Am I helping anything?

And so I sat down on the edge of the sidewalk, exhausted. And over walked twelve-year-old Bismar. He sat down beside me.

He wrapped his arms around me. And he looked up into my eyes for the longest time, as if I was the most beautiful person in the world. I started singing songs in English as I miss doing that. And he just sat there and listened, his arms around me. Periodically he would look up at me with the most adoring look on his face, and I just sat there, wrapped in the arms of this little boy thinking

who am I to be loved by you?

I feel that every day. Fabiola, every time she sees me, gives me a million kisses and says, “I love you so much Teacher! I love you so much!” And then she giggles and runs away.

I have to pry myself away from Fermin and Hugo at night as they would literally hug me and kiss me and tell me they love me until they’re supposed to get up in the morning.

Today before Sabbath School, Jahel begged me to sit by him. I told him I couldn’t as I needed to sit by my boys.

After Sabbath School he sat down and turned around to see me standing in the back. Right away, he got up and ran over to sit with all my boys. Then he turned around to look at me, a giant smile on his face. I was actually giving the sermon so I wasn’t able to go sit there, but the fact he was willing to leave all his friends to save a spot for me?

Who am I to be loved by you?

There are moments here that can be so frustrating. I have never been a mom. I have never been completely in charge of children. I have never had to punish and reward and do all the things that come along with raising kids. And now it is my life.

And there are times that leave me in tears as I wonder if I’m doing anything right or if the kids just think all I do is yell at them. Or I worry that if I’m being too easy and I let something go that I shouldn’t have.

And then a kid comes over and looks up at me, when my hair is a mess and I’m sweating from all the heat

and tells me I’m beautiful.

And I just think

You, my dear, are worth it all.

Each of my boys? Through all the tears and frustrations and wondering if I am doing anything right or if they'll ever learn their lessons?

Well, they’re worth it all.

All my students? As I sit down at my desk and wonder how I’m ever going to teach Social Studies in Spanish or if I can bear to explain how to multiply one more time?

Well, they’re worth it all.

At the end of the week, when we gather in a circle and go around and hug each other?

This week was worth it all.

I just stand there, holding hands with the kids on either side of me, feeling overwhelming joy in the pure fact I get to be here as I look around at little brown-eyed faces and think

Who am I to be loved by you?