October 12
Some days here seem normal. I wake up in the morning and
will myself to get out of my tent, which usually ends up being an
embarrassingly long process as 5:20 just does not do it for me. And when I was
at school? 7:40 didn’t do it either. I obviously need to work on some stuff.
I go to worship, breakfast, teach Bible, Math, and History
for 3rd and 4th grade and then English for 5th.
Then there’s lunch and a free period and then work for a couple hours before
there’s supper, study hall, and I find myself putting my boys to bed before I
fall asleep so I can wake up and do it all over again.
And then there are days like today. When I am brought to an
abrupt halt as I am made aware of the life I am living, and I realize this is not the way things have always been.
Last night I kind of had a break down, to be honest. It was
my turn to stay at the orphanage, so instead of spending my Sunday in town
talking to people and eating pizza and getting a break from taking care of
fifty little beings, I stayed back and? Took care of fifty little beings.
Usually those Sundays leave me feeling exhausted and like I
missed out on the happenings in town and so so anxious for the next Sunday to
come so I can get off campus. But this Sunday?
It left me feeling excited and energized and so ready for
the week ahead.
(I just think I need to insert here what is currently
happening in my house. Gabriel is walking around with his eyes covered by the
underwear on his head. And it’s all fastened neatly with a belt. Ain’t nothing
but a thang.)
Anyways. Back to Sunday.
Ashley and I were in the kitchen. We made rice, beans, and
salad for lunch. Then during our break before we got started on supper, I laid
outside on a bench and Belsa picked thirteen live lice out of my hair. Really
cute, I know. Thanks everyone so much.
My head itches.
Then Ashley and I were ready to start supper, but low and
behold where are all the kids? So we walked over to my house to see if my boys
were there. We found Rodrigo and Wilfredo, so we grabbed them on our way to
look for the others. It was a chilly day (PRAISE) and Rodrigo declared he
couldn’t walk all the way to Casa Grande as he would freeze. And so I
pathetically agreed to carry him. Trust me. He is just too cute to resist. You’d
say yes, too. I had him in my arms and he was attacking my face with kisses
when Wilfredo walked over and linked his arm through mine.
And I thought to myself I
could stay here forever.
We found the rest of the kids over at the shed, making
little airplanes out of wood. You would be blown away. They have this new
obsession with getting blocks of wood and carving a plane out of them with a
knife. And I mean, they are impressive.
They make moving propellers and everything, and then they run around campus
with them. Jancy was hosting a contest that night, so they all worked on their
planes throughout the day.
And so we decided to let them stay, as they were having a fabulous
time. Ashley and I headed to the kitchen to work on supper.
After everyone ate, I was trying to get the kitchen cleaned
up. I had three girls helping me, and none of them wanted to be there. One was
in tears as she was stressed out of her mind, telling me how the kitchen needed
to be perfectly clean for the people making breakfast the next day, the other
was throwing a fit that she had to wash dishes she didn’t dirty herself, and
the other girl was sitting in a chair declaring she was only washing the
counters, but only after everything else was done.
It’s in moments like these, when I have to deal with
attitude and my Spanish vocabulary is so annoyingly small that I get frustrated
and overwhelmed. And so yeah. That happened. I said what I could, best I could,
and thankfully right then Carol walked in and helped me. Let’s just say one
girl chopped a whole lot of wood and the kitchen got cleaned.
That night everyone was at the Vegetables house watching a
movie. I went over for a little bit, but then decided to just go to my room as
I was still frustrated from what happened in the kitchen. And so I laid in my
bed and just had a little breakdown. Basically I cried a lot.
I know I have gotten a lot better with dealing with the kids
and giving discipline and demanding respect but goodness sometimes it is so hard. I can’t speak the language, and on
top of that I hate punishing the kids I don’t know very well as it makes me
wonder if they will think that is all I do.
Later Dani came in and I started talking to her about
everything but that’s when I realized what was really upsetting me. And it was
not the ordeal in the kitchen.
It was how much I love these kids.
These kids? I love them like a mother. I love them in a way
I have never loved anyone before.
And even though sometimes I get so frustrated with them or
hurt by them as I try to help them and they just don’t want it? Well, it’s
okay. Because they’re still beautiful to me.
I just want to grab them and look into their big brown eyes
and tell them I’m only doing this to help
you. I only want to help you.
And so I’ll just do the best I can, even with my small vocab
and not very intimidating voice. I’ll try to give them what they need.
But I know that April is going to come around and I am going
to have to tell them good-bye. And so many of them have already lost so many
people in their life. And so I just feel terrible walking away, too.
This same Sunday Jahel and his brothers decided they won’t
have any more contact with their mom who abandoned them three years ago. And
Jahel is the one who just recently started calling me mom.
Fabiola is always throwing her arms around me and saying,
“You are my mom. I’m just missing my dad.” I’m
sorry, darlin. But I don’t have that for you.
I am sure this is something that every SM faces. The reality
that we are only here for a short time, and eventually we are going to have to
tell these kids good-bye. It’s just hard to do when these kids know I could
stay.
And it makes me realize that for this year and the rest of
my life? I am going to have to learn to live with my heart in two places.
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